Buddah

This photo does not paint an accurate picture of this Buddha. I will try to paint the picture with words. 
Imagine it is night and there are bright stars in the sky. You are in the back seat of the car and pull up to see a house and a sculpture of Quan Yin that is about eight feet high. That's nice you think. You knew you were going to see a Buddha and it is nice that it is a female goddess. She is pretty tall and she is standing on a rose colored lotus flower. Then as the car rounds the building a giant white Buddha fills the sky in front of you. The Buddha glows in dark New Jersey country side,  there is no room in your mind to be anything but awed. Behind the Buddha are tall poplar trees and you can see just the tops of the trees behind the head of the statue and beyond that stars. At the feet of the stature ten to fifteen people are sitting in silence. As they end their meditation, rather than talking, they look at one another and smile. You smile also, that is all you need to do.

last nights feast

Oh my, dinner last night turned out great. I got this new book from a friend called, Indian Home Cooking by Suvir Saran and Stephanie Lyness. It is a lovely book and I am amazed by Suvir's ability to remember foods he had as a child, where he had them, and how he felt about it.

Out of the book: I made lemon rice using peanuts instead of cashews and I turned a khitcheree into a dal by omitting the rice and from my own imagination I made a broiled fish which was marinated in olive oil, turmeric, lemon and sea salt. We ended the meal with chocolate bars and clementines. I enjoyed the meal and looked forward to left overs when I woke up.

In the beginning of the cook book Suvir talks about the kitchen in his home as a child being a sacred place. I have always felt they way about the kitchen. When I was a child it was the place I learned math: in how to measure to double a recipe or to divide it, it is the place I learned science, while holding the thermometer for my mother as she made candy or learning what air and speed does to egg whites.
Today I scrubbed my kitchen and burned incense It is the place I commune, create and nourish my body. Today I love and thought of making my dinner in the sanctuary of my home.

grounding

I am all up in the clouds today. I am looking for birdies and day dreaming  and...oh was that a birdie.
 long pause...........oh yeah I was writing. I feel tired. I could go back to bed but we are dealing with empty cupboard and I need to acquire us some dinner.

It is a myth that artists are best when aimlessly floating about. I was talking to a friend instead of watching Rachel Ray today, and now I am not sure what to do because I have no routine and again am trying to do fifty things at once. It is already one o'clock. 
I would like to set some new creative goals for today.
1. Replace the recycle box with something attractive.
2. Frame the Beer pictures for the kitchen
3. practice the guitar.
4. Make my home clean and beautiful.
5. Make something fabulous for dinner.

Friday Morning

Good Morning. Me and the hubby are off for the weekend. We are going to go to places I have never seen before. As an artist, I love that, just like my poem about being lost, when I go somewhere new my senses are awake and focused for all the new stimuli.  As one of my art teacher's used to say "You've got to fill the hopper." What the heck is a hopper? you say. Well I will tell you, from Wikipedia:

• A general term for a chute with additional width and depth for temporary storage
• Part of a combine harvester 

I hope to come back with a full hopper.
As for my current creative work, yesterday, I made a home made card and envelope for my friends wedding. Then I went to the green in the middle of the city and watched the squirrels play, while I was watching them, I imagined what there voices would sound like and gave each a personality. Funniest part was when three of them found a treat at the same time. All of the sudden they went separate directions and put there backs to one another so they could be greedy alone.
Cheers I will see you when I return.
Spring

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patterns

I hung a Ganesha today above the front door shoes. I began working on the Ganesha when a doctor told me I would loose my unborn child. I began the piece when I was still pregnant, and finished it after I lost my daughter at 23 weeks.

Hung in my home across from the Ganesha is a mirror. I made the mirror years ago. The mirror also made in a time of struggle, has the same spiral pattern that is in the back ground of the Ganesha. I did not realize this until I hung the Ganesha next to the mirror that they both have rich blue spirals.

When I decided on a background for the Ganesha, I was thinking about; The Starry Starry Night by Van Gouh (shown above). Did Van Gough have a broken heart when he made these spirals as I was, when I created mine? As I made the spirals I remember feeling comforted and calm, both times.

What do symbols that are repeated in our art work telling us about our subconscious? I would think somewhere, someone else is making a rich blue spiral and it is not a sad moment but a moment of holding together until the next curve.

Album Blog: Love Don't Wait

Album Blog: Love Don't Wait
I am excited for the new album MF is a light source.

Painting=Paitence

This morning I had a grand walk listening to Michael Franti: "..and you don't stop and you don't quit, everybody on the move, everybody lets move..".  I was moving fluid, like the cool wind at my back. I was moved by the music, the deep gray skies, and my healthy body, I was so moved,  I was ready to dance in the streets. Movement is currently not a problem (excepts of course before ten a.m.).

Waiting on the other hand especially, for paint to dry is painful. I am working on painting the female sculpture that I made form the air drying clay. (The male I am going to leave naked of color, the terracotta suits him nicely.) 
I am an American, damn it,  I want immediate gratification, don't we all. This is a common creative feeling for me that I have to get work done quickly. However I know, from experience, the longer the dish is simmered the better it tastes and if I rush the paint I will have a muddy mess. 

Any tips to patience, please help.

creative energy

I can remember sticking my toes deep into the bottom of an Idaho stream and gently wiggling them. I then watched as reddish brown clouds of soil floated up and around my my porcelain white legs until they disappeared into the stream. I can still remember the feel of the ice cold mountain water. It would make my legs numb, as the sound of the water, running, running, against my skin, hypnotized me.

I would then come to the childish conclusion that: if I could not see, nor feels my legs, then they were not there. So that would mean, I was river from knee cap too big toe.

Then I would sway my arms up and listen intently to leaves rustling in the Quakies along the bank; they who were white like me, with gnarled muddy knee caps.

In was in those moments, I was plugged into the earth, like some chlorophyll seeking flower, not yet ready to be plucked.

I was just river-movement, and a growing, vulnerable, trusting, bit of life.

Pick

Today I was at my light table working on a new scratch board when I looked down at the red Turkish rug. Of which I vacuumed last week and low and behold there lie my pick. Hallelujah!

Air Drying Clay

I will find out tomorrow if I got a job or not, as a result my creative life will change.
However, I am an extrovert and look forward to the possibility of more social contact.
Yesterday I bought some self drying clay. It is the best toy ever, for only four dollars, you get about a pound of clay, that can make two four inch sculptures. The main challenge of the clay is that it dries quickly and you have to use water with a small amount of vinegar to moisten your work. It is also good to wrap whatever clay you are not using at the time in a damp cloth.

I used the clay to construct two people a man in a yogic corpse pose and a woman in child's pose.

I am happy with the results of the male figure and struggled with the female, which is strange because I have always done a better job with women than men.  I went through surgery a month ago and as a result I believe my body have a new relationship to build.

POEM FALL 2005 (edited last night)

I am lost when
I ache to settle my soul
when trapped
eyeless running around in my head.

Lost
I am not
instead
am found.

I woke up with sunrise
and stretched
my consciousness 

In a new town.
I am aware of:
The cool air.
The brightly changing leaves.

I began the morning
with idle chit chat with strangers,
delighting in the experience of being human.

Enjoying my senses:
the smell of hot coffee,
the smile shared with a stranger,
with my eyes open to see it,
feel it.

Oh, to not loose this feeling of wakefulness.
I would study with monks,
cry out with animals,
bow to the tide, as it washes up on my toes.

Filling the Well

I had an old room mate that was a Cristian girl and she would say, "I need to fill my well." To do this she would rent out a dance space and go and dance. I could imagine her tall frame flying through the air with wild leaps, with no one to bump into.  What do I do to fill my well? I know how to empty it. Maybe it is okay to occasionally sit down at the bottom surrounded by moisture and moldy bricks. To watch the light flood in from the top of the well and only come up when my bones start to ache from the small space and the mold on my skin. 
Today I am sitting in the well. I will be back soon.

Tiny Queen

There once was a man who stole a ring,

from a very, very, tiny queen. 

The queen came up and said with a flash,

"You give that back or, 

I'll tie you up in this sash."

"Ha, Ha, Ha" said the man who took the ring, 

"Your so tiny you can not do anything." 

"Oh yes I can." She said in a flash. 

Before he knew what happened he was tied in a sash. 

"How did you do it you tiny thing?" 

"You forget" she said, "I am a female queen."

poem 2 Written in the fall of 2006

The steady earth
The only love I can count on.
I wish to release my belongings and walk barefoot into the sea.
Instead of words filled with empty compliments, I wish to hear the sea and the wind through the trees.
In place of kisses the warm sun on my skin or raindrops like a happy tonge touching my nose.
The wind to blow to my hair from my face.
The steady earth to hold me.
I will have a love affair with that which is consistent and complex that which is not afraid or hateful.

The Poems Begin

10/29/06
Occationaly in quiet moments of breath,
I am set free from my mind and
my soul peacefully soars in simplicity.

I am ordinary

I am so fabulously ordinary, free of makeup and judgement.

bandanna on my head,
greens in my belly,
Animal needs met,
spirit quietly satisfied

belly full with breath
heart warm
pumping
eyes wide
open
soul still

lily pads

Painted the lily pads at the camp sight from my memory today. Painting is an emotional roller coaster...here is my self talk "wow that sucks...ooo I like it...oh no, is that paint running-PAPER TOWEL QUICK-...what is with that elispe is it a donut or a paper airplane...tree trunks are defiantly gray...it's done...no one more stroke. yeah done hmm it turned out pretty nice." Now I am sleepy.

Human connections

So in response to a email from a friend I want to talk about the importance of human connections, as it was on my list of necessary things to stay productive and happy. I am new to this city and making friends can be quite a task.
I have intentions of meeting more friends when I get a job or sign up for an art class. (insert defensive tone) plus I have friends at my husbands lab.
I have met some people:
My hubby and I were driving to drop him off at work, when I saw an Indian man pushing his car by himself and a woman was steering the car. The couples battery had died. The man was on his way to take his wife to work.  I offered to take her to work. I dropped off my Mr. and hopped on the freeway.    
As I drove she talked my ear off. She was nice a nice woman,  she had just finshed school and had to get a retail job due to the economy. She gave me breakfast at her job and hugged me when I left.
I told her I liked to cook Indian food, she told me I could call any time for cooking tips.
The question is will I call? Probably not.

What do we do is the modern society if we are not in a religious or racial clique to develop a community? I think going to a support group is the bravest thing a person can do. However, I am not going to do it.
Then there are neighbors. I know my neighbors names but do we have any thing in common? My mind says things like, 'what if they are crazy then I am stuck with them?', They are right next door.
When did my mind become the home of paranoia?
One of my best friends in Tucson was a neighbor. She loves art, cooking, and is very creative. She is a real treasure.

In looking for more friends I will ask the universe,
 Dear Universe, 
Can I have some creative friends that are spiritual, kind, love good food, take good care of their bodies, love nature and enjoy diverse activities? 
Additionally universe I prefer events not to start with what kind of alcohol is going to be there. In contrast, I want them to talk about art, community, nature, and family.
Thank you for your generous response. 
Spring. 
A quote by Sanaya Roman: All you need to do to receive guidance is to ask for it and then listen.
My ears and heart are wide open.
p.s. still no pick.

chores

Today I am trying to Un-ADD myself. I am all over the place and it is hot today. I have all kinds of chores to be done. I am feeling overwhelmed because they are all in my head at the same time and I am circling from room to room, starting but not finishing anything.

Last weekend we went camping and we had a great time.  However, some long term planing could have helped my current state of overwhelmed and off task.

To begin the fridge is full of food from last week that needs to be donated back to the earth, all of the containers need washed, then the trash needs to go, okay brain here goes:
 Some self talk :)
You home girl will:
Pay the bills (your already on the computer)

Put the food away
clean out the old food
wash the dishes
make sun tea
take out the trash


make the bed
wash the laundry
Put away yesterdays laundry  de-clutter the bed side tables
de-clutter the shoe spot
sweep out the dust bunnies


wash and chop the vegies for dinner
go to a guitar shop for a new pick
get my dress hemed for the NJ trip
return the movie

Tonight sketch, practice guitar 
I have to admit I did some cutting and pasting to get everything in order, I feel better. I am ready to charge into my chores so I can play.
 
Tonight should I begin the new painting of the water lilies in my head from the camp trip? Or focus on the design for the dresser and the mosaic. I also have to finish writing the song which I will upload as soon as I can.
cheers.
Home Girl

no stucture. no good

Okay so I can take away the times that are so specific, in my mind, but I have to write them down. With no structure to the day, I am feeling a little bit like Jello, with out a dish or refrigeration; still sweet and green, but all over the damn place (and who wants to clean up that mess).
It is four o'clock: I have...
emailed some potential jobs
Trimmed my bangs
Watched 30 Rock on Hulu
looked up movies I want to watch on google
showered
ate some left overs
stared at my toes
spent time suffering from left over poison
listened to NPR
did laundry.

No drawing, no guitar, NOT good. Okay specific goals tomorrow. I will meditate on them today. 
Maybe I'll lie on the couch and think about it. :)

Monday morning, Thurday afternoon I broke out of the schedule but still got all the creative things done I wanted.
There is still no sign of the guitar pick. In looking for it I found a mediation and prayer pamphlet tucked in my banjo case and spent time chanting such a nice way to be flexible with my needs. 

Time is less essential; knowing what I want to get done before the end of the day helps. The structure gave me what I needed to get out of my emotional valley and discover there are things I like to do. I like to read, to cook, draw, make music ect. In general living is pretty nice. On my Thursday walk I got to pet a puppy and see children giggling and chasing each other with water.

I having a feeling my job search will soon put me back to work and this time of healing will change. That will be the real challenge, keeping my creative goals while working.

I will think more long term. With so many interests where to start?

last nights dinner

For the record by big success yesterday was dinner. I made:
broiled talapia,
seasoned with olive oil
chili powder
turmeric
cumin
coriander
garlic and sea salt. (four minutes each side)

From three o'clock on I simmered red beans in chili powder, tyme, bay leaf and dried onion.

From the farmers market Japanese eggplants, Jalapeno chilies and vine ripened tomatoes I made eggplant curry.
At last the organic brow rice we got from Costco with just a little olive oil and sea salt.

Good morning it is 9:35. After I got off of the computer yesterday I went strait to my DVD and completed the 30 minutes warm up on a Brazilian dance DVD.  I was tempted to complete the DVD and dance my way out of a disciplined schedule, but for you, my readers and my blog. I went strait over and picked up the guitar. Then spent nine minutes of my practice time circling around our one bedroom, very clean apartment, trying to find my pick. Eek!
A pick is an easy thing to lose. One time I was looking for it every where, thinking, "COME ON, I was just using the damn thing." When I walked by the floor length mirror to discover it stuck to the outside of my thigh.
You would think I would just finger pick the guitar but I AM PRACTICING STRUMMING and holding my pick correctly. Eventually I got anxious about the time slipping by and decided to use a dime. The dime makes a funny metal on metal sound that I am sure is not an aesthetic you want ringing through your ears.
The shower and the grooming went well. I got on the computer between every thirty minute task to remember what I was supposed to do and to check my email and goof off a few minutes. I keep looking at my email because, I am hoping for an email from a job I applied to. I know, I know, checking every thirty minutes is excessive.
So I spoke to a friend about the reading time being too short and she was right, it is very hard to watch the clock when relaxing to read. I will move my reading back to the evening when dinner is cooking, or done, and it is cool enough I can just relax on the back patio with my book.
In my afternoon writing I wrote this:
The morning sun dripped through the kitchen window and onto the floor, making it hot liked spilled coffee. 
The fan looks back and forth across the room making movement and causing sighs of pleasure from the people there. 
The scar on her stomach itches and she wonders if a suture is still holding her together, she is grateful something is.
Okay today's schedule:
10:00-11:00 Rachael Ray (draw during comercials)
11:00-11:30 Streches
11:30-12:00 Dance
12:00-12:30 Shower/groom
12:30-1:00 Guitar (same time)
1:00-1:30 Internet
1:30-2:00 Write
2:00-2:30 Clean
2:30-3:00 Walk
3:00-3:30 Sketch
3:30-4:00 what ever I want
4:00-4:30 Job hunt
4:30-plan dinner
I will flex if I need to sketching or writing time. Next I need to write specific goals for creating my cartoon with deadlines. If I can stick to this I think it will work.

The time sucker

Today I got up at 9:00. My husband and I got in a complex discussion on classicism. I am from a blue collar American born family. My husband is from a educated, wealthy, Indian family. We had a lot to discuss. :)  I do love those discussion as we both challenge one another and even if I get angry, I feel like I can be a better partner and friend, as I understand the way his mind works. Additionally I like that he can understand me.
Okay back on topic, okay it is 11:34 and I am sitting on the bed watching The View. I only watch it because it's on after Rachel Ray. I don't want to say The View is bad, it's fun but, unlike RR, I don't get anything done on my goal list watching it. However on RR I get great cooking tips that help with my goal of making a nice dinner for my husband so I am not giving it up.
So far today I have eaten breakfast, applied for a job, and look up dependent relationships to remind myself of how to stay healthy and eaten lunch both carb heavy meals, HELLO I AM going to get chubby. Okay, So yesterday: I did practice the guitar and set up a great system of practice with an online websight that I paid for some time ago and I voted in the primary.
I did nothing elese on my goal list.
I will try again today. 
I need to break my day up into tasks to clearly out line my productivity.
12:00-12:30 Physical stretches 
12:30-1:00 Guitar Practice
1:00-1:30 shower
1:30-2:00 groom
2:00-2:30 write
2:30-3:00  read
3:00-3:30 internet play, check email-look at face book, look up anything that I wonder about
3:30-4:00 plan dinner
4:00-4:30 clean
4:30-5:00 go on a walk
5:00-5:30 begin to make dinner
lets see how it goes.

the list

1. Learn to play the guitar
2. create a cartoon
3. compile all my poetry about earth and growth
4. Write and sing songs
5. Paint my dresser
6. Create a functional mosaic

Things needed to complete the above list
1. discipline
2. an animation program
3. a music teacher
4. Paint
5. Mosaic Glue.

Blog accountable

It is a Tuesday morning. The day began with rain and I slept in until 8:45 then did nothing but check my Facebook until ten.
My husband can spring out of bed with no problem. He was up at six or seven. I don't know because I was still sleeping and I fell asleep before him.
I wish I had that kind of discipline to begin the day. I have to sit and stare through squinted eyes and moan for at least ten minutes. I beg my eyelids to lift so I can begin my day and with out any outside structure it normally consists of a combination of feeling sorry for myself, doing things I enjoy, and cleaning.

I quit my job to move here with my husband and I have NO idea how to stay productive. So this Blog is going to be how I set some goals, and stick to them. Some things I know about myself:

1.) I am never really productive until ten o'clock. (Is this a permanent disorder or can it be fixed?)

2.) I know I don't feel well unless I am physically active.

3.) I know I need some exposure to other human beings.

4.) I want to learn some new skills. (I have a list)

5.) I know I want to make a nice dinner and be there for my husband when he gets home and have daily quality time with him.

Wish me luck.

Sincerely
Home girl