the faces return

Road blocks.

I am wondering about road blocks. I have been accepted into the MSW program a SCSU with the condition I take a research methods course. I can not find a research methods class at a public school. Private schools are crazy expensive and I found one. Do I really want this? Is it worth it? Should I think of doing something eles?

Mystic

Hydro-Tube.

Hello there. I am not sure anyone still reads this blog as the author has been missing for some time. I had this feeling before I went back to work like I would get standing at the top of Hydro Tube as a kid. Hydro Tube was this sky-rise tall, curving, tube, that ending in a pool of water. It was pretty fun aside from the fact that I was claustrophobic, afraid of water, and could not swim. I remember the feeling I would get standing at the top. The knowing that the sliding would go by really fast then... the deep water. It was this combination of fear, excitement and joy.
Ever since I have been working days are flying by. I have finished my Statistics class. I am getting ready to start school in the fall and my hubby and I are going to move. We found a great place right next door to a community garden. The landlords are a young couple expecting a baby. We will be a few blocks from a giant park and our favorite little french coffee shop. That will be nice we are currently in an area that is all bars and barber shops. It will be nice to be surrounded by gardens, art galleries, and nice coffee shops.
As the days fly by I remember my blessings and try not to be afraid to keep jumping in the tube.


Spread Love wherever you go.
Me.

begin

Easter and Krishna

This morning I awoke from a terrible nightmare and slid over to snuggle with my hubby. I was aware that I could take my mind though my body and meditate on the feeling of love. My mind wandered around comforting all my achey and fearful parts. What a gift a comforting mind can be.

As my eyes slowly opened to the morning I saw a thick mist in the sky and the Magnolia tree in the back yard. I hopped up. I tossed on my slippers grabbed my camera and took photos. I took close ups of the dew covered pink and white buds. I stood on the stairs and took full length shots of the beautiful tree, the mist adding a mysterious sensation of discovery.
I anticipate the day when all those pink blossoms unfold into explosions of scent and beauty.
Smiling I entered the house to the sound of the coffee grinder and the smell the beans.

My hubby told me Easter is close to the New Year celebrated in his home of Kerala. He told me that on New Year an alter space is set up with fruits and treats and gifts set out in front of Krishna. On this new year holiday all of the family close there eyes, and holding hands,  walking into this room of fine things. The family keeps there eyes closed until they stand in front of the alter.
This ceremony is done to begin the year by filling the eyes and mind with abundance and love at the feet of Krisna a Hindu image of God.
I think those Magnolia blossoms were my treasures at the feet of God.  My year is starting out just fine.

Breath Machine

I am back at wanting to be perfect again. Trying to do a really good job can be
exhausting. I am noticing that I rip the head off of my partner whenever he points out that
I am not, in fact, perfect. I wonder if a desire to be perfect it is some kind of ego high.
Like, my ego enjoys being good at something to such a strong amount that I am terrified
that if I am not good at the things that I find pride in then I am not good for anything.
What if life was a grand machine at that by simply breathing I was able to run the motor.
Then my only job would be to breath. Then all that other stuff that I think is important
and I think defines me would not matter.
Mantra: I am a cog in the breath machine and I am doing my job and that is good enough.

cyber snacks

I have been thinking about this post since the super bowl. The Black Eyes Peas came onto the stage. They walked onto the stage in nicely designed, flashy costumes and dancers covered in twinkling lights.  Looking forward to their performance, I skipped the third run to the table of food I tuned in my ears and I waited. As soon as they began to sing I cringed. They all sang like a hopeful group of middle school students at a summer camp (with a damn fine budget). I was impressed by the groups artistic ideas but some how out of the studio the music was missing the flavor.
Flavor like Pancho Sanchez in front of his bongos or Miles Davis on his horn, or Joni Mitchell belting out a heart break. You know that feeling where you become transported by the beauty of a skill, a skill that has been honed so finely, you feel honored if only to be a witness.

The next time I thought about this was in an interview for NPR with a tennis pro. The interviewer talked to her about her game, and her famous grunt during play. At the end of the interview the interviewer asked Monica Selus if she played Wi tennis. Her reply was divine, she said I don't eat fake food why would I play fake tennis.
Despite our advances in technology there still is some magic in the real touchable, tangible, hugible world. 

wogging

Tonight as I climbed the bleachers at the high school the sky was covered in thick gray clouds highlighted in bits of lavender and pink. The blue sky peeked out in bits and the sun reflected off the water in the harbor that I could see nestled in the distance.
I have just began a class where we walk and jog call Wogging and (unknown until tonight) climb bleachers, and do lunges and squats on the beach. It was kind of fun being bossed around to get in shape. Also it was fun having girl time. I look forward to going back on Thursday if it does not snow.
It is amazing how refreshing a nice work out and being outside during sunset can be.

hello again

Hello, my mind has been spinning with topics to write and I have not yet sat down to ramble about all my growing opinions of the world around me and how I have learned to play in it.  As of this night my first full day as a woman of 35 I am back on the blog.
I am going to spend this 35 year talking about my observations of the world around me. I have a new job in Bridgeport and I am both excited and overwhelmed by the new city. It has large brick buildings with broken windows and graffiti tagged on the outside. It has people who are both aggressive and kind. (I think a lot of these East coasties have all been overstimulated.)  
However, I had a woman give me a small angel in a glass bead. It was an angel that she had been given to guide her on her way. I have only shared the building with her a few days. That and private words of loss. Today, I am reminded that I am always held even when I feel that the world is much to big to live in.
cheers and blessings
MD

For my Sanity

http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2008-11-17/

Home made Pizza

You know nothing makes a girl feel good like the hope of that surrounds a New Moon, and a home made pizza.

I made the sauce with tomato paste, kalamata olive juice, kalamata olives, onion and garlic... oh man I just realized I forgot the oregano. Oh well I can tear some fresh oregano and place it on top.  I used a whole-wheat crust. It is funny I used to think I was allergic to bread. I know now what I have is: Reactive Hypoglycemia. That means I have to eat complex carbos and it is best to have them with fat. Which makes pizza the perfect food. :)

I am growing garlic, basil, chives, and parsley in my window seal. It is to bad I do not have any oregano. My herbs garden was inspired by a movie that I saw a long time ago... The movie had a character in it who had dies. The woman stays dead for something like ten years and then her sister, (who was a practicing witch) brings her back to life... I do not remember the name of the movie but I remember the protagonist had a window with several shelves of herbs in her kitchen. Why don't we all have shelves of herbs in our kitchen I don't know. I have a little start. 

I think I may be growing more sane. It is nice here in New England today. However, I did go outside in a t-shirt and I think it is only in the upper 40s. So the jury may be out on my sanity theory.
Maybe blood is thickening up nicely. Maybe the pizza is helping. Here is a toast to windows filled with herbs and homemade pizza.

Ice Dipped Trees

The funny thing about trees that are covered in ice is that they make clinking sounds in the wind.

Elephant Egg

Elephant Egg.

Natural creation. I can claim nothing with the exception of seeing what was already there.

Settling In.

Settling in
Winter is covered in rocks and sand.
I try to look where I am going but sometimes miss.
The green grass remains under large piles of sleepy white water.
Water waiting for sunshine to send it on its way.
I did down dogs with children today
and found that I was nestled some where
between a down dog and a deep breath.

I find business suits me well: from PE, to Statistics, to homework, to sharing words with you.

Winter is covered in rocks and sand
some of the ice seems permanent growing the road up and bumpy
but I know it will melt with time.
Time seems still and flying and I spinning somewhere in between.
Where did those moments, restless for healing pass?
Now with a round pot belly and complaints about eating well.
There were days filled with only 2% milk. Days.
Fat and healthy I eat oats and berries and cheese and round meatballs drenched in sauce.
I eat words made for quiet places and words made for growth.
I find that my stomach is stronger than it has ever been.
Able to digest the world.
Where did thouse sticky summer days go.
Where the cathader stuck to my leg
and my shorts were to short to wear and black stiches sewed up my stark white belly.
Sometimes I feel that time has been passing me like I am in one of those whirlpools in a river.
You know the ones where a leaf or stick seems to spin but not move in any one direction. Ah I get it. The only way the stick can move is forward is to stop spinning.
Stop spinning.
Stop.
Stop.

Dinner :)

I made a new rice dish tonight WARNING it is spicy. You could get rid of some of the chili's in the blended part.

toast the following ingredient in 1 tbs canola oil
1 tsp cumin
1 tbs mustard seeds (the mustard seeds pop use a lid)

6-10 curry leaves


Blend
1/2 cup yogurt
1/2 cup unsweetened coconut
a few sprigs of mint
10-15 curry leaves
three dried red chilies
one sorrono chili
three black peppercorns 

cook one cup brown rice, let cool

Toss blended sauce into rice and serve with Trader Joe's turkey meatballs covered with Trader Joe's Masala sauce.

The Calender Project

My husband and I have begun the calender project. Each month one of us is in charge of creating the calender. This is mine for February:

I was inspired from a t-shirt on Thredless called Cowboy and Indian. 

Getting to know winter.

I went outside for a brisk walk and noticed that I have not looked up at the sky much since the snow has came. I find myself staring at it, as if it is some kind of impostor, wondering when it will say, "Okay jokes over, you can see the grass again."

While looking at the ground, across the thick blanket of snow, I watched a flock of Canadian geese try to walk on top of the snow. They would balance for a brief moment, then slip into the snow, just like I did as a child. I remember that brief moment of magical stability before becoming heavy and human again.

Before I came back inside I saw a small pack of Robins in a tree top. Another reminder of childhood. However, today I think they may be tricking me because they are a sign of spring and I know winter is far from being over.

Hello, I have not written in a while because preparing for grad school has been a real time sucker. I have not even been cooking.

My latest recipe:
One store roasted chicken
One package of tortillas 
One jar of salsa 
On brick of pepper jack cheese. 
Instructions: make into quesadillas and tacos until chicken is bones. 

My Neighbor

I have been watching football with the hubby, eating a lot of cheese and freaking out. I realized today that I have been taking this whole going back to school very emotionally. I am not a person who deals well with the need to rush things, frankly it puts me in a panic. I have decided I am going to complete as much as I can. The best that I can do. If I don't get in this semester I will take as many courses as they will allow and try again next year. However, I am all full of hope that I make it.

The End to Cabin Fever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGRLMClDVVc

Should have

I would like to explore the words should have. I always say, "I should have gotten up sooner." my husband always says "You should have..." after I've screwed something up. (Which by the way is not helpful.) What does "should have" mean in both utterances? Can we remove it from our language or is it necessary for motivation. Is there and alternative that is more helpful. Are men wired to say things like "should have" because of their pragmatic nature?

School

I have begun the process of going back to school. Yeah!
So in preparation of the school life, today I am going to try to audit two classes at Yale, (with permission of the professors).
Also I will hopefully be in a research and statistics course at SCSU by the 24th of January. I need to be enrolled in those two classes for acceptance. I wont find out if i get accepted until early spring. My fingers are crossed.
I will keep you posted.

Trip to New York

So I have become the selfish blogger, me, me, me. So sorry readers I have forgotten about you. It is funny how internal focus is just plain depressing. I haven't even wanted to write because I was becoming a very dull topic.
Let me take you to New York. Wake up early. Make tea, while your husband makes oatmeal with walnuts, raisins, cinnamon and clove. Have your tea and oatmeal with honey and milk.
Have friends come over to car pool to Union station. You will have company and you can split the parking fee. Look around the train station. The train station has great hanging lights that are large and round like Christmas ornaments, that have been embellished with steal. The ceiling is broken into squares each repeating a pattern as if the heavens have been tiled.

Buy your ticket. Soon after that, down you go through a long tunnel. You are passing one side that is made of silver metal and one side that is white. You are walking in a tube. Then up you go to the platform. On the train you pass abandoned buildings, groves of trees, and large bodies of water.  You arrive at grand central station. Another stunning ceiling. Grand Central Stations' ceiling is painted blue. Upon the blue are constellations of stars and line drawings in white.  There is a horse, probably Pegasus that looks as though it coming right to you. After a long line to the ladies room out you go into what looks and feels like a city.

There are people walking quickly, there are people looking up and around. The sun is bright rising out of the windowless station underground.

Light dances from one building and bounces onto another. So many windows make for a great play ground for light. 

You can see why it is called the big apple: after passing a giant cigar, nut cracker and Christmas balls. 

You walk though central park and see large sculptures, Walter Scott and others. You see carriages with holiday riders. You see a man blowing giant bubbles. There are kids sledding and there are lots of snowmen and snowman parts. 

You go to the Metropolitan museum and see an actual Egyptian temple. The temple was moved to the US as a gift from Egypt. (and I thought I got good gifts) You should have brought snacks and are starving when you and your pile of friends find a Thai place for lunch.  That's about it for now. There will be more to come after lunch.

Every Day is New

2010 ended with an array of lucky foods. We had a dish called redneck caviar, made from black eyes peas and fresh salsa ingredients. Eating black eyed peas represent acquiring wealth in the coming year, so I should be loaded next year. Then we ate meatballs and crab cakes because they are round. Round foods represent, that all things are cyclical. So if bad stuff happens good stuff is sure to follow.
I began the year with cheers and kisses. I began the year with fireworks, and watching friends dance and then fall on the floor giggling. We all had the feeling of a new start.
What makes the year new? Is it like new socks or new blue jeans? Better after it has been worn in. No, I say it is more like a new bra best before it has ever been washed. There is this idea that a new year lets you start over and begin again. Just like the end of a yoga class where you lay in savasana, (corps pose) letting go of any holding and starting fresh. My mother says she loves the morning because the day feels new.
What a wonder to perceive the world as new every day. I think that will be my resolution for this year. Each day will be new along with my opportunity to be kinder to myself and those around me.